


Five Times Michael and Eleanor Tried Human Courtship (with varying degrees of success)

by thinlizzy2



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Demon/Human Relationships, F/M, Friendship, Fun with kinks, Humor, Sex, Stone Cold Steve Austin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-03-26 21:20:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13866231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinlizzy2/pseuds/thinlizzy2
Summary: In which Michael likes scorpions far too much, Eleanor prefers to be the one doing the spanking and Chidi would rather not know about any of this, thank you very much.It takes a lot of effort to make a relationship work between an immortal demon and his human confidante/prisoner.  But it may just be worth it.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AceQueenKing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceQueenKing/gifts).



Eleanor Shellstrop might have been long dead, but there was nothing like a good make-out session to make a girl feel alive again. And this one was going surprisingly well. That hand on her upper thigh felt all kinds of great just being there and the one working on her left breast was showing natural skills that were unexpected but very much welcome. There might have also been a third hand at play on her back – the sensation of that one came and went – but as long as she didn't think too much about that then everything was fine. The juices were beginning to flow and she was just about to start removing various articles of clothing when, once again, the stupid sexy creator of her entire universe went and ruined everything. 

 

"Seriously?" Eleanor asked, pulling away and rebuttoning her shirt as Michael once again succumbed to the giggles. "What is it this time?" 

 

"Sorry... sorry." Michael wiped his streaming eyes. "I'll be okay. Let's try again." He puckered his lips like a duck. 

 

Somehow, Eleanor resisted the urge to smash his dumb immortal face in. "Nope, we're calling a time out until we get this sorted. I don't know if this is meant to be another form of torture or what. But I'm sick of dealing with blue labe so you need to tell me what your deal is right now." 

 

"It's just..." Michael was clearly still fighting the urge to laugh. "I can feel your taste buds!" 

 

There was a time when this would have rendered Eleanor speechless but after three weeks of dating Michael it was pretty much par for the course. "Okay. And do you feel like that's something we can push past today, or is this going to be a serious issue like the time when you couldn't stop noticing my cells dividing? 

 

"It's fine; it's fine!" Michael's attempts to wave away the issue were somewhat undercut by the stream of high pitched laughter that he couldn't contain. "The thing is though, you _taste_ with that thing and I was _sucking_ on it, and it's such a weird use for a muscle that already has multiple jobs. You talk with it too! Why would you ever want to put that in my mouth? Near where my teeth are?" 

 

At the moment, Eleanor couldn't remember a single reason why she had ever wanted that. "Look, human parts have lots of uses, okay?" She held up a hand as he opened his mouth. "And no. I do _not_ want to hear again about what parts of me would make excellent paperweights. Here, think about penises. People use them for pissing. They use them for sex. They have more than one use and you still gave yourself one, right?" 

 

Michael beamed proudly. "Mine also shoots fire." 

 

Eleanor reached for her coat. "So I'm gonna head home. Thanks for a great night."


	2. Two

" _HOLY SHIRT!_ " Eleanor did not know how to describe what she was feeling but it was weird, it was _forking_ weird and – _holy shirt_ where did Michael even go? "How... what... _OH NO FORKING WAY!!!_ " 

 

"Is there a problem?" Despite having been deliberately chosen to be calming and soothing for humans, Michael's deep and pleasant voice did very little to soothe or calm when it was coming from somewhere just south of Eleanor's liver. "Isn't this what you wanted?" 

 

"NO! Eleanor tried to force herself to be calm because who knew what would happen if she started panicking and thrashing around? Michael could end up stuck in her lung or something. "Why the fork would you think that?" 

 

"You _said_ it." She had no idea that someone could manage to sound petulant while sitting on her spleen but dating a demon was nothing if not educational. "You distinctly said-" 

 

"I want you inside of me." Despite the sheer insanity of the situation, Eleanor couldn't hold back a hysterical laugh. She stopped almost immediately as she felt Michael bouncing around in her intestines. "Look, could you just... get out? And then we'll talk?" 

 

She probably should have specified _how_ he was meant to exit, but luckily he didn't try to get creative. Instead, Michael was suddenly just there, in bed beside her. He must have been feeling a bit vulnerable since he appeared in a full suit, complete with bow tie. He looked a bit ridiculous tucked under the covers fully dressed but Eleanor was just so relieved that he was somewhere visible again that she decided to skip over that. 

 

"When a woman says 'I want you inside me', she's generally talking penis. In vagina. Sometimes she wants penis in another place, but for that you should ask first." Never in a million years would Eleanor have imagined herself having this conversation, but she thought she was actually doing pretty well with it. "Any questions, or is that clear?" 

 

"But I'm more than a penis." Michael sounded totally bewildered. "And you're more than a vagina." 

 

"Yes. Yes I am, and that's very feminist of you to notice. But nonetheless, that's what it means. Not... that. And you know about humans and our bodies, so why would you think... wait!" A realization suddenly hit her. "Is that what demons do?" 

 

"We have 12794 practices that generally qualify as mating", Michael admitted. "And yes. That's one of them." 

 

"Oh." Eleanor didn't know what to say to that. "Okay. Let's just chock this up to a weird cultural misunderstanding." She drew closer to him, laying her head on his chest and sighing when she felt his arms come up around her. Michael may not have been the easiest boyfriend in the world, but he was a first-class hugger and that consistently won him some points. "Look, I can't do the whole person-inside thing. It's not for me. But with twelve thousand other possibilities, I'm pretty sure there's something we'll both be into. Is there anything you particularly like? 

 

Michael bent his head and pressed a kiss into her hair. Eleanor felt her eyes closing. "There's this fun little thing with scorpions..." 

 

Her eyes snapped back open. "Or we could just cuddle?"


	3. Three

Eleanor was panting hard as the last tremors of pleasure shot through her. She'd never imagined being able to come so hard or so many times or just so forking _well_ before. Even though she should have been utterly and completely spent, just the memories of how good the last few hours had been made her body perk up again with renewed interest. She willed it away. They had total eternity, after all, and she had to wonder if it was possible to just wear her clit away from glorious friction. 

 

Best not to chance it. She had lot of plans for that clit. And everything surrounding it. As far as Eleanor was concerned, The Good Place was now the official name of her vagina. 

 

She glanced at Michael beside her. Although it should have been impossible, even _he_ was slightly out of breath. However, the exertion definitely wasn't stopping him from grinning like a cat that got the cream. Eleanor hadn't seen him look so proud since he figured out how safety pins worked. 

 

In this case, however, he deserved the pride. 

 

"Fork, Michael", she exhaled, for once not even minding that she couldn't swear here. "That was-" 

 

"The best you've ever had, I know!" The giant immortal dork legit clapped his hands with sexual glee. He bounced in place. "It was actually 514 times better than the best sex you had while you were alive; I don't know if you noticed that." 

 

"Not the exact figures, no." If she'd had any idea sex with ridiculous nerds could be so good, she would have had a way better life in general. But she couldn't manage to summon any genuine regret at the moment. "Can I ask you something? The eighth time, and the thirteenth? Were you actually-" 

 

"Vibrating, yes. Janet said you'd like that." 

 

"Well, she was... wait, what? Janet? What does Janet have to do with anything?" 

 

Michael winced. "It's just, after last time when I..." 

 

"Hung out on my vital organs for a bit and then tried to put scorpions in my cootchie, I remember. Go on." 

 

"I realized then that I might have failed to understand the finer points of human copulation. I did try to discuss it with Chidi-" 

 

"Oh God." Eleanor buried her face in her hands. "He must have loved that."

 

"But he got a bit caught up in the morality of advising me on how to act against my own instincts and inserting himself into the affairs of others and then it was three hours later and the only thing I fully understood was that his stomach hurt. So I went to Janet and she had all kinds of useful suggestions. Did you like the biting on your thighs? It's not that my jaws are weak or anything; I _deliberately_ didn't break your skin. When Janet said that would be better I thought she was crazy but now I think it really did work fine without any punctures!" 

 

"It worked more than fine", she admitted. An unpleasant thought suddenly occurred to her. "Michael? This little lesson with Janet? Was it theoretical or practical?" 

 

His brow furrowed. "Theoretical, of course. Janet has no genitalia." 

 

"Good." Eleanor rubbed her aching temples. "That's... very good. Don't go looking for what she has instead though. _Ever_. And in the future, it might be a good idea to keep Janet out of our sex life. Some things are meant to be private, after all. 

 

Michael nodded sagely. "So you don't want me to take the shape of Stone Cold Steve Austin during sex?" 

 

"That's a possibility?" Eleanor's eyes widened. She swung a leg over Michael's torso, pining him to the bed as he grew deliciously more muscular underneath her. "You know what? I'm suddenly a big proponent of collaborative learning."


	4. Four

Eleanor did not run screaming from the room, the neighborhood and the whole forking afterlife after getting a look at what Michael had done to his office. And frankly, for that act of bravery, she deserved at least a million good people points. 

 

Michael's usual local-manager-of-a-successful-credit-union style office had been entirely transformed. His tasteful oak desk had been replaced by a shiny steel table with ominous looking restraints. Oddly-shaped bits of unidentifiable furniture were scattered around the room and the warm natural light had been replaced by a single flickering bulb that was somehow far too bright. Mounted on every wall was an assortment of whips, paddles and things Eleanor couldn't identify but which certainly didn't look friendly. The only thing Eleanor recognized from before was Doug Forcett's picture, still hanging in its place of pride above all the chaos. And poor Doug was looking distinctly terrified. 

 

"What's all this?" Eleanor asked, as if there could be any reasonable explanation. She was proud of the way her voice stayed steady. 

 

"Spanking!" Michael looked and sounded as proud as could be. He was grinning ear to ear and looking oddly like a happy golden retriever who'd earned a treat, despite being clad in a studded vest and leather chaps. Maybe it was the dog collar that was doing it. "Just like you wanted." 

 

"Like I _wanted?_ " Eleanor sputtered. "Michael, why would you think I wanted this?" 

 

"You said it. To Tahani. Last Tuesday at 3:43 pm the two of you were eating maple-java-mango-soy frozen yogurt and she asked you how things were going with us. You said we were moving past the beginning stages and getting to the fun part with the dirty talk and the fantasies and the spanking and all that. So I decided that if you were ready for that then so am I!" He waved his arms joyfully around the room. "Spanking! And I've practiced talking dirty." He leaned close and dropped his voice to a whisper. "You, young lady, are one sexually desirable individual." 

 

Eleanor sank onto one of the weird chair things. It let out a high-pitched moan that was terrifying in a way that she didn't have the mental strength to deal with at that moment. "Tahani told you what I said?" 

 

Michael laughed. "Eleanor, it's my neighborhood! I know everything that happens here, at any time." 

 

She looked up at him with concern. "Do you want to talk about-" 

 

"Jason? No. I definitely do not." Michael gave a deep shudder. "Never mind that. So? Spanking now?" 

 

Eleanor stood up and kissed him softly. "Listen, I was talking a few light slaps. Playfully, you know? Or maybe pulling out and smacking my ash with your conch a couple of times. This is all... it's a really nice effort, but it's not what I had in mind." 

 

Michael's face fell. "You don't want to spank me at all?" 

 

"I'm just not all that comfortable with... wait a minute. You want _me_ to spank _you_?" All of the new bits and pieces surrounding them suddenly looked a lot more appealing. "You know what? It's never too late to try new things!" She plucked a large paddle off the wall. It was covered in black leather and had some intriguingly shaped holes in its center. "Bend yourself over the weird table of your choice, babe, and kiss your demon ass goodbye." 

 

Michael smiled giddily at her. "I can physically do that." 

 

Eleanor raised the paddle. "No doubt."


	5. Five

It was hard to accurately measure time in The (bad) Good Place, but Eleanor was pretty sure that days and even weeks passed when she didn't remember that Michael wasn't human. It shouldn't have been possible, living in a tiny pocket of reality where he could make almost anything happen with a mere thought, but it was still somehow true. However, as she arrived in the center of the neighborhood on a perfect spring day that was exactly like every other perfect spring day that had preceded it, she was suddenly reminded of her lover's true demonic nature. 

 

Because there was no mistaking what was going on. Michael was definitely torturing Chidi. 

 

"It's not just the sex." Michael's voice carried loudly across the square as Chidi twisted in obvious agony over his long-melted frozen yogurt. "I mean, don't get me wrong; the sex is incredible. Even without scorpions, it still manages to be-" 

 

"Hey, guys!" Despite wanting to be literally anywhere else, Eleanor knew she couldn't allow this heinous abuse of her poor friend to continue. "What's going on? Mind if I interrupt?" 

 

"Nope! Not at all! Not even a little bit! Please sit down and change the subject away from scorpion sex!" Eleanor didn't think Chidi had ever looked quite that happy to see her before. 

 

Michael was either oblivious to all the discomfort he was causing or doing a great job of faking it. "I'm asking Chidi for his blessing." 

 

"His blessing?" This was new. "His blessing for what?" 

 

"You see, Eleanor, I love you." And hearing that for the first time was like a million electric shocks directly to the heart, but Michael didn't give her any time to react. "Like, a lot. And I want to spend all of eternity with you. And I understand that the human tradition in this sort of situation is to ask a woman's father for his blessing, but your father is in the real Bad Place being fitted for a hornet loincloth at the moment. He's been waiting his turn in a very grouchy line for eight months now, so I don't want to disturb him. Ergo, I figured the next best thing would be to ask Chidi." 

 

Ergo, indeed. 

 

"Because I'm like her father?" Chidi looked more than a little horrified at the idea and Eleanor tried not to take offense. 

 

"Because you're her mentor. Her wise and trusted teacher, who she respects more than any other man. And really, that's the role a father is meant to play in a daughter's life. It honestly makes a lot more sense to ask you than her real father, since he was never any good at that." Eleanor couldn't argue with that. Michael went on. "So Chidi, can I ask Eleanor to be with me forever? I adore her; I really do. I admire her strength, her tenacity, her willingness to grow and to change. I love her smile, that stupid shade of blue her eyes keep being, the way her joints are all bendy but never _too_ bendy. Her joints are just the right amount of bendy and it's hard to find that in a woman. I can't be happy without her, Chidi. More than that, I can't be good. What do you say?" 

 

Chidi toyed with his spoon with one hand as he cradled his doubtlessly aching belly with the other. "As I've tried to explain, Michael – more than once – it isn't up to me. I'm not comfortable taking on a role, however ceremonial, in Eleanor's relationship with you, and I don't think either giving or withholding my blessing is appropriate here." 

 

"Do it anyway." Eleanor spoke without thinking, but the words made perfect sense as she said them. 

 

Chidi stared at her. "I'm sorry, what?" 

 

She shrugged. "He's right, you know?" She slid a hand onto Michael's shoulder and couldn't help smiling as he twisted his neck around to kiss her fingers. "You're my teacher. Trust, wisdom – all of it. And I want your blessing too, so screw appropiateness and do it anyway." 

 

"Wow." Chidi cleared his throat. "Are you sure?" 

 

"Yup." 

 

Chidi gave the little downward smile that she knew meant he was flattered and trying not to show it. "All right then. Do you love him?" 

 

She couldn't keep the dorky smile from her face. "You better forking believe it." 

 

Michael and Chidi were beaming just as dorkily. "Well then, blessing granted!" Chidi laughed out loud. "Go ahead and do it." 

 

And then suddenly things stopped being funny as Michael turned to her and the reality of this unreal situation dawned. It was strange, she thought as she looked at his beloved face. She knew he wasn't human, but he still had two of the most soulful eyes she'd ever seen. 

 

"Eleanor Shellstrop", Michael began, and his voice was soft and strong. "Would you like to give forever a try?" 

 

And there were those little electric shocks again. They hurt but they also felt really forking good, and Eleanor figured she could probably very happily get used to that.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for AceQueenKing for agex_2018. I was so excited to get an assignment with these two, and I hope you've enjoyed reading the result.


End file.
